Pain of a Child Lost
by Mriana
Summary: I have always wondered why Deanna never mentioned Ian to her mother after the episode of The Child and I thought a very good place to have mentioned him might have been in Dark Page because they had somethng in common. Well, it never was mentioned in the


29

**_Pain of a Child Lost_**

"_There was a moment when you smiled," Will inquired with concern after her son was gone._

_Tears still stained her face, but she was still able to smile, "He said thank you." She paused for a moment as she struggled with her emotions. "I told him we will miss him… and I will."_

Deanna sat alone in her quarters, crying as she remembered her son and the night he left the Enterprise. Granted Ian left her with a heart-warming smile and words of reassurance, but his leaving still pained her and left an empty place in her heart, as well as her quarters.

Her mind flashed back to three nights ago when she was putting Ian to bed. She touched a control panel near the windows, which turned them to an opaque configuration.

"_I can feel that some of the people are very... worried," Ian suddenly admitted._

"_Yes, I feel it as well, but don't you worry." It amazed her how his powers of empathy had developed as fast as he grew, but he seemed to adjust to them well, so she was not worried at the time._

"_It's me Mommy. I'm the reason," he admitted._

"_What?" she asked with confusion. Could it be that he was not learning to deal with his empathic abilities after all?_

"_It's me," he continued to insist._

"_You?" Deanna asked still amazed by her child's revelation._

"_Yes. I have to leave you now or it will be very bad for everyone."_

"_What are you saying?" She sensed his thoughts, but they were very puzzling to her._

_He smiled at her, "I have to leave now."_

"_Leave?" Deanna began to panic as she sensed what he was about to do. "You are going to die! No! No, you can't!"_

_He smiled and closed his eyes._

_Deanna tapped her communicator in horror, "Sickbay, this is Counselor Troi, I need the doctor in my quarters... right now!" Then she lifted Ian and held him close to her, as she sobbed, "No! Ian! No!"_

Three days had passed and she was still hurting from the loss of her child, even though she knew he was still alive, some where. Tears ran down her face because he was not with her anymore and her quarters felt empty. What hurt more was that she would never see her child grow up and become a young man.

There was no way Deanna could be mad at Doctor Pulaski. She had watched the doctor do everything she could to save her son, but it was of no avail.

"_Save him! You must save him!" Deanna cried._

_Pulaski injected the child with hypospray, "I'm losing life signs."_

_Deanna felt so helpless. She could do nothing to help her son, and if he lived, the ship and its crew would be in danger. Tears streaked her face, "Oh, please! Please save him."_

_Doctor Pulaski kept trying until the tricorder went silently along with everyone in the room. Finally, she stood and sadly said, "I'm sorry."_

_Tears of sorrow ran down Deanna's face, but she could still sense Will starting to approach her so he could comfort her as a glow of energy appeared. He suddenly stopped and watched as she reached out, with cupped hands to collect the little light, cradling it gently, and brought it to her._

_She held the ray of light close to her as she hoped he would change his mind and stay, but instead her son explained to her why he had come in the first place and why he had to leave._ _Slowly her pain and despair faded, and through the tears she smiled._

_At the time she felt joy because the Betazoid within her embraced the essence of the entity she called her son as he explained why he came and what he wanted. As much as it hurt her to let go of her child she also knew she had to release him as she would a dove._

_For a moment Ian seemed reluctant to leave his mother, but he knew he must in order to save his mother and the crew of the Enterprise. Suddenly his original form passed effortlessly through the wall of the ship as Deanna watched as though to say one last good-bye to her son._

As she sat in her quarters remembering that night she wondered if she would ever see Ian again. Would the life-force entity that peacefully grew inside her and lived among them as a humanoid to understand them better ever come back to visit the woman he chose to be his mother?

Suddenly the comm bleeped pulling her out of her thoughts. "Transporter Room to Troi."

"Troi here."

"Your mother is about to beam aboard. Would you like to come down and greet her?"

"Yes," she replied with uncertainty. "I'm on my way."

Her mother had not stated why she was coming for a visit, but even so, Deanna sensed the reason and was not sure if she wanted her mother's flamboyant presence at this time. However, like a good daughter she left her quarters to greet her mother.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Deanna entered the Transporter room and waited for her mother to beam aboard.

Lwaxana finally appeared on the transporter pad with her valet and telepathically greeted her mournfully, _"Deanna, I heard about my grandson and I'm so sorry. I wish I could have been here sooner and met him before he died."_

"He's not really dead, Mother," she replied aloud and resentfully as her mother stepped off the transporter pad.

Lwaxana frowned and closed her eyes as she continued telepathically and waved her hand, _"Even so, a loss is a loss."_

Her mother's expression was dramatic, yet Deanna could sense that she was hurting deeply. What Deanna could not sense was if it was really for her or if her mother was hurting for other reasons. Possibly because she never got the chance to meet Ian and that was why her mother was hurting.

Her mother hugged her lovingly and sympathically, _"No matter, Little One, I'm here now."_

Deanna pushed her mother away angrily, "It's alright, Mother!"

"Deanna, why do you refuse to use your telepathy, especially for such personal matters?" Lwaxana asked her daughter aloud. "Did you speak to my grandson telepathically or did you refuse to hone his skills?"

"MOTHER!"

"Never mind," her mother replied. "You can tell me all about him in the comfort of your quarters."

"Wouldn't you rather go to your quarters and settle in first?"

"No, I want to spend a little time with you first, my dear, because you need your mother during this time and I won't have you sitting in your quarters mourning by yourself." Lwaxana grabbed Deanna's hand and dragged her out of the Transporter room as Mister Homn followed them as he carried her luggage. "Now what did you name my grandson?"

Deanna looked back at the Transporter officer helplessly.

When the doors closed and they disappeared, the Transporter officer finally said, "I'd help, but what do you do about a grandmother who just lost a grandchild she never met?"

---------------------------------

"His name was Ian Andrew, after Father," Deanna began to explain as Lwaxana dragged her down the corridor to her quarters while Mister Homn followed behind them with the well-loaded suitcase.

"Oh it was so nice of you to name my first grandchild after your father, Deanna!" Lwaxana stated excitedly. "So, was Will the father or was it someone else? And why didn't you tell me you were pregnant? After all you did have ten months to tell me about him."

"No," Deanna said firmly. "He wasn't the father nor was anyone else. This could take some explaining, but his genetics were all mine."

"WHAT?" Lwaxana paused in the corridor in front of Deanna's door. "I… I don't understand. There has to be a father."

"Not in this case, Mother," Deanna stated. "Let's go on into my quarters and I'll try to explain."

"OK, but the child has to have a father." Lwaxana was very confused, but obliged Deanna by entering her quarters so that she could tell her more and then sensed Deanna wanted some privacy while she tried to explain. "Mister Homn, why don't you go on ahead and take my luggage to my quarters?"

He had not yet set the suitcase down anywhere. Instead he bowed to acknowledge Lwaxana's request and started to depart.

"Oh and you're free to spend some time enjoying the recreation that the Enterprise has to offer while Deanna and I talk."

He turned and bowed once more to say thank you, then left with Lwaxana's luggage in hand.

When the doors closed, Lwaxana headed for Deanna's couch, sat down, and with a smile said, "Well now, tell me all about this child without a father."

"That could be difficult to explain, Mother," Deanna began slowly, "But he was an entity who wanted to experience and learn about Humanity, so he thought the best way to do it was to become one of us. His DNA was all mine and he grew quickly. So, instead of a ten month gestation period, it was only a little more than a day."

"A DAY!" Lwaxana was shocked.

"And the labour was virtually painless."

"NO!"

"Yes and even Doctor Pulaski couldn't believe it either," Deanna informed her mother. "If a doctor were to examine me now, they would not be able to tell I've ever had a child."

"Um... I'm confused, Deanna," Lwaxana said as she tried to work it all out in her mind. "He was just like you? Half Human and half Betazoid? And born in a day?"

"Yes."

For a moment, it seemed to Deanna that her mother's focus on the conversation faded, but assumed it was due to befuddlement of the conception of her grandchild.

"There's more."

"More? Deanna, how much more bizarre can it get? An entity impregnates my daughter, has no father, created purely from your own DNA, and a short gestation period? I don't see how much more there could be. Do you realize what you are saying?"

"Yes, and he grew quickly. With in a day after he was born, he was equivalent to…"

"Painless?" Lwaxana suddenly asked as she reverted to one of her daughter's previous comments. "Childbirth is HARDLY painless!"

"This one was, Mother," Deanna insisted with some annoyance to her mother interrupting her.

"I remember having you and…" Lwaxana stopped and began to rub her temples.

"Mother, are you alright?"

Lwaxana shook her head as though she were trying to shake the discomfort away. "I'm fine, Little One," she replied with a bit of sadness in her voice. With her next statement she held back the tears as she reached up and caressed Deanna's cheek, "No matter how painful it was, I had nothing but pure joy with you."

Deanna sensed something from her mother, but could not put her finger on it. "Are you sure you are alright?"

"I'm fine, Deanna. Continue telling me all about Ian." Lwaxana forced a smile through the tears she was fighting.

"The night he left…"

"Left?"

"Well, he didn't exactly die, but he's not here anymore."

"I… I don't understand." Her mother seemed lost and disturbed.

"Let me try to explain, Mother," Deanna insisted as she tried to fight back her own tears and passed off her mother's behaviour as being due to the subject matter. "He sensed everyone's feelings on the ship."

"Wait!" Lwaxana stopped her as she tried hard to concentrate on what Deanna was saying. "How old was he?"

Deanna looked away from her mother trying hard to control her own emotions. "In reality…" she paused and swallowed hard. "A little more than a day, but physically he was close to puberty when left."

_Mommy!_

Lwaxana closed her eyes and held the bridge of her nose as though she were trying to fight off pain. "I don't understand," she sobbed.

Deanna sensed her mother forcing up her mental blocks and could not read what her mother was thinking or why her mother was putting up the blocks.

"He sensed the crews' emotions as he said he was the reason and had to leave," Deanna continued as she studied her mother. "It was then I knew he was going to die."

_Mommy!_

"Mother?"

"No!" Lwaxana cried as she held her head trying hard to push something from her mind.

"Mother?" Deanna touched her mother's shoulders.

Again, Lwaxana shook her head as though to shake something away, "I'm fine, Little One. I just have a little headache."

"Headache?"

Lwaxana fringed a small smile as she pulled her daughter closed to her and hugged her. "It was a long trip. I just need to lie down for a bit."

Deanna pushed away a little to look at her mother's eyes, "Are you sure? I can call Doctor Pulaski if you like."

"Oh no!" Lwaxana waved a hand. "Don't trouble her. I just need some rest."

Deanna looked at her mother with concern as she started to leave.

"Um…" Lwaxana paused half way to the door and snapped her fingers as though she remembered something she had forgotten. "My quarters, they are the same as usual, right?"

Puzzled, Deanna replied, "Yes." She could not understand how her mother would not know where her quarters were since Mister Homn was already there with their things.

"Good," she smiled.

"I'll see you to your quarters," Deanna stated as she hurried to go with her mother.

"No, I can find them. You go ahead do whatever you need to do, Little One." Lwaxana's demeanour changed suddenly as though nothing happened. "I'll be fine and we'll have dinner tonight. You can finish telling me all about Ian then. Oh and why don't we invite Jean-Luc? I'm sure he'd just love having dinner with me."

"I'm afraid he's a bit busy tonight with other plans."

"Oh I don't know why. He just wants to read a good book."

"Mother?"

"Oh that wasn't telepathy," she insisted. "That was just knowing him, Darlin'. I assure you."

There was a brief pause as Lwaxana once again held her forehead.

"Well," she sighed as she looked at Deanna again. "I guess I'd better go lie down for a while."

"You sure you don't want me to go with you?" Deanna was extremely concerned because she could not sense anything from her mother. It was as though her mother was blocking every thought she had when usually she was completely open to her daughter.

"I'm fine," Lwaxana insisted sternly. "I'm just going to lie down. I'll be back to have dinner with you later."

With that, her mother left the room, leaving Deanna feeling as though her mother had slapped her with her emotions of anger, frustration, pain, sadness, and loss.

"_Well, I thought you wanted to hear all about Ian,"_ Deanna sent after her mother was gone.

"_I'm fine, Little One,"_ Lwaxana sent firmly. _"We'll talk later."_

------------

Five years later the Cairn were seeking admission into the Federation and Lwaxana was present to assist with communication. Her clothing was not her usual vivid and vicious adornment and her usual outgoing cheerful personality seemed forced at times. She was so different that even Deanna noticed that she was not her usual larger than life self. Even Data, who was often puzzled by Humanoid behaviour, noticed her demeanour and was concerned for her.

This change was something that bothered Deanna greatly, but she accepted her mother's excuse of being tired due to constant telepathy with the Cairn at least until she noticed her mother acting oddly one morning.

"Good morning," Lwaxana greeted her daughter when she saw her. "So what did you think of Maques?"

"Why did you do that, Mother? You embarrassed both of us," Deanna told her with irritation.

"He's really very sweet and lonely. Poor man, a widower, raising a child alone," she dramatized.

"Please, Mother," Deanna warned, "Don't start."

They entered a turbolift together as her mother continued, "I just think it's time for you to settle down. If your father were still alive I'm sure he'd say the same thing."

Another crewman entered the turbolift so Lwaxana switched to telepathy to talk to her daughter, _"But you'll do exactly what you  
want..."_

Deanna gives her a warning look as she sent angrily, _"That's enough, Mother!"_

"_Just like always..."_

"Stop it, Mother!"

Deanna noticed the crewman starts due to her sudden outburst and returned to speaking telepathically to her mother.

_Mommy!_ the voice of a little girl gasped for air and reverberated in Lwaxana's mind. _Daddy!" She choked and gasped. "Help!_

Deanna started to leave the turbolift, but then noticed her mother had not followed, "Are you coming?"

Lwaxana covered her face with her hands as if to hide something, but Deanna could sense nothing from her mother. Concerned, she took her mother by the arm and led her out the turbolift.

"What's wrong?" Deanna finally asked as she put a comforting arm around her mother after the turbolift doors closed.

Lwaxana's eyes fill with extreme emotion as she looked at her daughter, and then suddenly pulled her close to her, hugging her tightly. "You're so precious to me," she cried. "You're all I've got. If something happened to you I don't know what I'd do..."

Her mother's abrupt change of mood disoriented Deanna. "Nothing's going to happen to me," she tried to comfort her mother.

Finally Lwaxana gathered her emotions. "You'd better go."

"My first appointment isn't for a few minutes, why don't we talk for a while?"

"I'm fine," she insisted. "I'm just tired from working with the Cairn and it's making me emotional."

"Are you sure?" Deanna inquired with concern as she tried hard to read her mother, but the mental blocks were solid. Her mother thwarted all her attempts to break through the walls.

"Go on," Lwaxana insisted again. "I'll see you later."

Deanna observed her mother and attempted to probe her mother's thoughts again, only to be told orally again to go on to her appointment. Giving up she left her mother standing in the corridor.

When her daughter was out of sight, Lwaxana covered her face and tried to fight the tears as a child's words for help vibrated in her head. She tried hard to push back the memories and the feelings of self-blame and self-hatred.

-----------------------------

Deanna could not help thinking about her mother as she headed for her office and wait for her first appointment. However, when she arrived she found Marques waiting for her and sensed concern from him.

As it turned out he was concerned about something her mother was not sharing. Knowing he had no concept of other cultures Deanna explained to him the Betazoid culture and the need to have some privacy in their lives. Even so, something about his description of her mother's secrecy disturbed her.

These feelings became more intense after her mother's bizarre reaction to her and Will talking in Ten Forward later that day.

"Maybe you better have a talk with her…" Will started to suggest when a very irate Lwaxana Troi interrupted him.

"Commander!" Lwaxana shouted furiously at him. "Take your hands off her!"

Stunned, Will pulled away from Deanna as stared at Lwaxana, "Mrs. Troi?"

"Don't 'Mrs. Troi' me!" She roared as though she hated Will.

"Mother!"

"Why don't you leave her alone?" She continued to growl protectively. "If it weren't for you she'd be married by now!"

Deanna stood to her full height and insisted, "That's enough!"

Everyone began to watch the seen Lwaxana was making, but Deanna's words did not stop her mother's unwarranted and unexplained attack on Will. The feelings she sensed from Lwaxana overwhelmed her so much that she withdrew mentally from her mother.

"I'm warning you, stay away from her!" Lwaxana continued verbally assaulting Will.

"You're coming with me," Deanna insisted as she dragged her mother out of Ten Forward and into Sickbay.

-------------------------

Deanna watched Beverly examine her mother, who was calmer now and regretting what she had said to Will, "I don't know what got into me. Please tell Will how sorry I am."

"She's fine," Beverly informed Deanna once she finished her scans on Lwaxana, "except her psilosynine levels are a little low."

"Psilosynine?" Lwaxana asked.

"That's a neurotransmitter involved in telepathy," Deanna informed her mother.

"It's been depleted by your work with the Cairn," Beverly diagnosed. "You're going to have to avoid telepathic communication for a while."

"I can't!" Lwaxana protested. "We only have three days left and the Cairn still have so much to learn."

"I'm sorry, but you're going to have to take some time and rest," Beverly informed her adamantly.

Lwaxana was about to object again, but Deanna interrupted her before she could say anything. "Maybe I can help with the Cairn," she volunteered.

"You're only half-Betazoid, dear," Lwaxana reminded Deanna knowing that she hated it when she did, "And you don't have any experience with their form of telepathy."

"Then I won't use telepathy," Deanna replied indignantly. "We'll  
work verbally."

Lwaxana considered what her daughter said and then finally replied, "I suppose we could do that," then she paused for a moment before continuing her thought, "And if they don't understand something I'll explain it to them telepathically."

"No, you'll work verbally too," Deanna insisted. "The point is for you to rest. Besides, it'll be good for them to have to figure things out with words."

Finally Lwaxana reluctantly agreed, which pleased Deanna.

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Later in the Arboretum, Lwaxana still appeared calm and relax to her daughter, but continued to shield her thoughts. Deanna passed it off as trying to follow the doctor's orders and was not concerned about it.

Lwaxana observed Hedril and thought how beautiful the child was. As she adored the little girl's blonde hair, she kept pushing thoughts back into her mind and refused to face them. She fought traumatizing memories as Deanna guided the guests past the trees, shrubs, and flowers.

Children played by a nearby pond, which brought painful memories closer to Lwaxana's consciousness. Memories she had spent years trying hard to forget, yet at the same time punishing herself whenever they surfaced even for a moment because she felt what had happened was her fault.

As Deanna quoted an old Earth poem, Lwaxana unconsciously pulled Hedril close to her as though she were protecting her from unknown dangers. When Deanna mentioned that Milton was speculating that in Heaven, roses would not have thorns Lwaxana noticed that the Cairn had no idea what Heaven was and began to smile as she projected peaceful and beautiful images into Maquis and Hedril's minds.

"I see. Yes, thank you. 'Heaven'," Marquis replied finally with a smile.

Deanna realized what happened, turned toward Lwaxana, and scolded, "Mother, you're supposed to be avoiding telepathy.

"I was just trying to help, dear," Lwaxana insisted, but suddenly a rush of past memories flooded her mind and she quickly withdrew mentally from Deanna.

"You don't look well," Deanna said as she noticed her mother withering before her.

Lwaxana glanced at a nearby bench as she replied, "I'm just tired. Maybe I'll sit down."

Deanna decided not to press her mother as she watched her sit down on the bench.

As Hedril ran off to play with the other children, Maquis watched Lwaxana with concern and Deanna tried to reassure him, "Don't worry, she'll be fine."

They turn to watch Hedril playing by the pond. Suddenly she slipped and fell into the shallow pond.

"NO! NOT AGAIN!" Lwaxana mentally screamed. "I can't let this happen again!"

The pond was only a few inches deep, so Hedril was only wet. Unharmed by her mishap she rose and continued playing as if nothing happened. Her father just smiled and shook his head as he watched her play with the other children.

Hearing a commotion behind her, Deanna turned and saw her mother lying on the ground next to the bench, unconscious.

"Mother!" She shouted as she rushed to her, kneeled down beside her, and tried to wake her. "Mother?" When Lwaxana did not answer, Deanna activated her combadge. "Troi to Sickbay! Medical emergency in the arboretum!"

Memories of having to call Sickbay in the past for her son flashed through Deanna's mind. _"I need the doctor now!"_

**-------------------------------------------**

Beverly had examined Lwaxana in Sickbay again and had no new answers as to what was wrong with her. Everything she tried to do to help Lwaxana had failed and now Deanna was very worried about her mother.

She was not sure what she could do to help her, but she wanted to be with her, so she stayed in Sickbay with her mother. Pulling up a stool she sat next to her mother's bed looking down at her still features for a long moment. After a while Deanna took her mother's hand, and spoke to her telepathically.

"_It's me Mommy. I'm the reason," _Deanna heard the voice of her son. She had no idea why she was hearing it again, but tried to ignore it and focused on her mother instead.

"_Mother, can you hear me?"_ Deanna attempted to communicate telepathically with her mother.

There was no response from her mother. Instead she heard Ian in her head again, _"It's me."_

"_No!" _Deanna scolded herself. _"I have to focus on Mother. It's the only way I can help her." _Deanna refocused her mind on her mother and began to beg,_ "Please come back to me... please..."_

Her mother's earlier words echoed in her head, _"You're so precious to me. You're all I've got. If something happened to you I don't know what I'd do."_

"No, Mother, you're all I have," she started to sob because she realized that if anything happened to her mother, she would be all alone with no family to call her own. Her father was gone, Ian was gone, and Will was just a friend who was living his own life and seeing other people. She would have no one if her mother died.

After a moment, Deanna heard another voice responding in her mind that was very faint and she could not tell whose it was.

"_Help me!"_

"_Mother?"_

"_Help me!"_ The voice said again and this time she was sure it was her mother and not the memory of Ian's voice again.

"_How? How can I help you?" _Deanna asked urgently, but there is no response. She leaned closer to her mother as though it would make their telepathy even stronger, _"Tell me, Mother. Please."_

"_Ow! Mommy! Ow!" _Ian's voice echoed in her mind, but there was no response from her mother. Whatever telepathic connection her mother and her had was lost. Deanna was lost and had no clue as to how to help her mother.

-------------------------------

The next day, Deanna met with Beverly, Data, Picard, Marquis and his daughter in the Observation Lounge to discuss her mother and how best to help.

Marquis wanted to help and believed that Deanna's mother had retreated into her meta-conscious due to a traumatic event, but he could not make sense of any of the images that he saw in Lwaxana's mind.

Deanna wanted to try his idea of a telepathic connection between her and her mother, but to her disappointment the first time failed and Beverly was in no hurry to try again.

"_Get away from here!" _Her mother growled with pain and anger that echoed in Deanna's mind and suddenly the connection was broken.

She could remember disjointed images of her father, her childhood, Captain Picard, and even Hedril from the first attempt to help her mother. She could not figure out how they all connected or why her mother was pushing her away and wanting everyone to leave her alone.

The other thing that disturbed Deanna was why she was thinking so much of Ian Andrew even in her mother's mind. Marques said everything she saw was apart of her mother's mind, but her mother never knew Ian.

"_Is my mother tapping into my thoughts and using them in our connections? Could they be clues?"_ She thought to herself.

However, even after Lwaxana inquired about Ian after he died, Deanna never finished telling her everything about him. So, she had very little knowledge of her grandson.

Deanna tried hard to fight back her tears and fear. She missed Ian and right now she was so scared she was going to lose her mother.

"_It's me, Mommy. I'm the reason,"_ she again remembered Ian saying the last night that he was with her in human form.

She shook her head and tried to refocus her attention on the current situation as Hedril walked into the room to join them. Deanna noticed the little girl appeared scared, so she tried to comfort her. "I asked your Father to bring you here because I wanted to talk to you about something," she paused for a moment before asking the little girl her first question. "You know that Lwaxana is sick, don't you?"

"_I can feel that some of the people are very... worried," _she heard the memory of Ian's voice say.

"Yes," Hedril replied looking scared and worried. Sadly she asked, "Is it my fault?"

"_It's me, Mommy. I'm the reason."_

"No," Deanna closed her eyes and shook her head. "Not at all, but..." she paused for a moment as she gathered her thoughts. "I believe my Mother has been thinking about you. Do you know why?"

"I make her sad," she informed Deanna.

"Why do you say that?" She asked with surprise.

"Because it's true," Hedril insisted and appeared as though she were about to cry.

Deanna looked at Marques, "Do you have any idea why Hedril would make my Mother sad?"

"No," he told her.

"Thank you for coming to talk to us," Deanna smiled at Hedril to let her know she did well. "I'll see you later, all right?" Then she gestured to Maques that he could take her away.

As they reached the door, Hedril stopped and turned around to tell Deanna, "I hope your mother gets better."

Deanna could sense the little girl's empathy for the situation was genuine and could not help smiling as she replied, "Thank you, Hedril. So do I."

After the father and daughter left the Observation Lounge Deanna addressed Beverly, Data, and Picard with a look of worry, "I just don't understand how she fits in to all this or..."

Beverly interrupted her before she could continue with her thoughts, "I still haven't been able to find a physiological cause for what's happened to your mother. That makes me think that Maques was right, that her condition was precipitated by some traumatic event."

"Could this event have involved Hedril?" Picard asked.

Deanna shook her head, "I don't think so. My Mother never  
mentioned her."

"Does your mother make personal logs... or keep a journal?" Beverly inquired.

Deanna brightened at the prospect of an answer, "Yes, she does. I'll contact Mister Homn on Betazed and ask him to transmit a copy as soon as possible. Maybe there's a clue there."

"Perhaps we are being too literal," Data interjected as though he had been analyzing everything they said. "In my recent study of dream analysis, I learned that people who appear in a dream can sometimes represent different aspects of the person who is dreaming."

"That's right," Deanna agreed excitedly, "a child might represent vulnerability. Maybe Hedril depicts some fragile part of my mother."

"A part that she's protecting," Picard said deep in thought, "you said everything you encountered when you were in her mind was a barrier of one kind or another."

"Yes," she affirmed. "You, the wolf, my father... as though she were summoning all her defences to keep me away." Deanna looked around the room, frustrated and overwhelmed by her inability to put together all the parts of this puzzle. "But away from what? What is she protecting?"

Everyone fell silent as they searched for answers silently.

"There is something else that puzzles me," Deanna added. "I don't know if my mother is using my thoughts as a barrier or if what I'm seeing in her mind is trigging my memories of Ian."

"Memories of Ian?" Beverly inquired with surprise. "What do you mean?"

"Things he said before he left keep coming to my mind lately," Deanna stated. "I seem to recall them at various times, especially when connected to my mother's mind." She shook her head as she struggled to find words to describe the situation.

"I don't understand," Beverly said with confusion as she scanned Deanna. "Everything is registering normally. It is possible you're connecting the things you saw in your mother's mind to your own experience to Ian. There's no physical cause that would be a sign of an adverse reaction to the connection, but then again, I can't find a physical cause for your mother's condition either."

"It could be that I just miss him," Deanna replied sadly. "It may have no relationship at all, except that I could lose my mother too."

There was another depressing pause in their conversation. No one was close to any answers to the situation.

Suddenly Deanna stated, "I want to try the telepathic connection again."

"Deanna," Picard started to say.

"I want to try," Deanna said firmly.

"I don't know," Beverly replied cautiously. "The last time your neurotransmitters became to high. I don't know if we should to risk it again."

"I have to try," Deanna insisted. "I have to go back in to my mother's mind. That's the only way we're ever going to get any answers."

Without saying another word, Picard nodded as though he knew she was right and Beverly reluctantly agreed to try once more.

------------------------------------

A few minutes later, Deanna lay on the bed beside her mother as Marques and Beverly prepared for her to make a mental connection with her mother again.

Like a concerned friend, Picard stood close enough to observe yet not be in the way. As much as Lwaxana sometimes annoyed him, he still cared and did not want anything to happen to her. Deep down he knew life would never be the same if she never recovered from this situation.

"Deanna," Beverly addressed her, "you understand that if your para-cortical readings go too high again, I'll have to tell Marques to sever the connection."

"I know," Deanna replied as she signalled to Marques that she was ready. She did not want this attempt to fail because she knew if she did not succeed in reaching her mother this time, she might never recover. Losing her mother was the last thing she wanted to think about right now.

Closing her eyes and concentrating on her mother she soon found herself standing alone in the corridors of the ship, except it was dark and surreal, like she were looking through a distorted lens.

The sound of water dripping echoed through the corridor and Deanna looked around to find the source of the sound, but saw nothing.

"_Help me!" _A voice cried.

"_Don't worry,"_ she heard Ian's voice. _"Everything is fine."_

She turned to see if anyone was there, but saw no one. Even so, she called out, "Mother?"

"_Help me!"_

Deanna turned and saw a shadow disappear around the corner. She moved toward it, rounded the corner, but no saw no one. As she walked down the eerie corridor the sound of dripping water became louder.

"_I wanted to come by and see how you were and have a look at your…"_ she saw a stunned Picard standing in front of her, _"baby!"_

"_Why am I thinking of Ian again?" _She asked herself.

"_Leave me alone! Please!"_ she suddenly heard her mother and Picard angrily say in unison.

"It's not real," Deanna took a breath, then moved past the illusion of Picard and continued down the corridor, determined to find her Mother. "Why am I remembering my son again? Could it be that she is tapping in on my memories as I try to figure out what is wrong with her?"

Suddenly she heard wolf growls again. Ominous snarls followed her as she made her way down the corridor. The sounds of dripping water grew louder as she continued down the long hall.

"_Have you ever played with puppies?"_ The voice of Ian asked.

This time she turned around to see where the voice was coming from and to her astonishment Hedril stood beside the wolf, who bared his fangs at Deanna. Hedril just stared at her.

"Hedril, be careful," Deanna cautioned.

Hedril reached over stroked the animal as if it were a pet. When she spoke, her voice did not have the distinctive mechanical edge that the Cairn normally have. _"Don't worry. Everything is fine."_ The voice was Ian's, but it was Hedril petting the wolf.When the child spoke again it was with Hedril's voice, _"And who is Hedril?"_

Then Hedril and the Wolf turned and disappeared down the corridor.

"Wait! I want to talk to you!" Deanna yelled after her, but Hedril and the Wolf continue away from her, so she hurried after them only to round the corner and saw nothing but the starry blackness of space.

"What do I do now?" she asked herself.

Then within the stars she heard her mother's voice calling to her again,_"Help me!"_

Without another thought Deanna took a leap of faith into the darkness and suddenly found herself standing near a pond. Looking around, she wondered where she was and heard the dripping sound coming from a pond.

"Help me!" Deanna once again heard her mother cry.

Finally Deanna saw her mother, staring out into the distance, as if guarding the place and its secrets. The feelings of sadness were now overwhelmingly strong and became stronger the closer she got to her mother.

"Mother?" Deanna asked softly.

Lwaxana turned and cried, "Go away!"

"No," Deanna told her. "I want to help you."

Shaking her head sadly Lwaxana replied, "No, you can't help me. No one can."

"Why did you delete parts of your journal?" Deanna suddenly asked.

"I don't want talk about it," her mother sobbed.

"Did something happen to you?" Deanna continued to press her mother. "Something you don't want me to know about?"

Lwaxana's eyes filled with pain as she pleaded with her daughter, "Leave me alone! Please!"

"Who is Hedril, Mother?" Deanna refused to give up and continued questioning her mother. "Why is she here?"

Lwaxana refused to answer her daughter; her face filled with anguish.

"Is Hedril me when I was a little girl?"

"No," her mother cried. "I would never let anything happen to you... never."

"Did you let something happen to someone?

Her mother turned away from her and refused answer.

"Was it here, at El'nar?"

"You were just a baby," she finally answered, as tears ran down her face.

"Tell me," Deanna insisted. "Whatever it is we can face it together."

"I can't..."

"You can," Deanna continued her attempts to get her mother to talk to her. "We can."

Her mother seemed exhausted, as though she could not fight anymore.

Deanna wondered how everything connected, but she felt she did not dare ask her mother about Ian and how he fit into all of this for fear it would distract her mother from what was truly bothering her.

"Help me!" Hedril's voice suddenly cried.

As the arboretum quickly became sunny and bright Ian's haunting voice returned.

"_I like it here, Mommy."_

Deanna turned at the sound of the voices and saw that Hedril was behind them. She was trying to put a leash on a small dog that struggled to get away from her grip.

"_Do you want your supper now, too?" _Deanna heard Ian's voice again.

"Help me, Papa," Hedril demanded.

Deanna's father was now in civilian clothes, sitting on a blanket near Hedril as he took food out of a container. It was a family picnic, and a baby lay sleeping in a portable carrier.

"_Ian, could you tell us why you are here?" _Picard's voice echoed in her mind.

"_Because Mommy said it was time to eat."_

"_No, I mean... why you are here on this ship?" _Picard continued to probe for answers.

"_I live here."_

"_Ian, the captain wants to know if you are ready to tell us why  
you came here,"_ Deanna remembered clarifying for her son.

"_No. Not yet."_

"Please... don't make me go through this again," her mother pleaded as they watched the family picnic.

"Here," her father said gently as he leaned over and took the dog by the collar to attach the leash. "Now hold on to him, don't let him  
run off."

"I won't," Hedril replied and then looked straight at Lwaxana and spoke to her directly, "Mommy, can we go play by the water?"

Lwaxana could not help but answer her, "No, Kestra, stay here with us."

"Kestra?" Deanna wondered aloud, but her mother did not answer her.

"Please?" Hedril begged.

The baby started crying and Lwaxana ran to comfort her as she addressed Hedril, "Kestra, you woke your sister."

"Kestra?" Deanna asked again with confusion.

"Don't cry, Deanna," her mother soothed. "Mommy's here."

"_My face is wet," _Ian continued his intrusion into Deanna's thoughts.

Suddenly, Deanna realized Kestra is her sister, a sister she  
never knew, but she had to put aside her shock and do nothing that might distract her mother. She also realized that Ian, who she had told her mother about five years ago was probably a connection to her and her mother was drawing on her memories of Ian to divert herself from her pain. "Or is it to divert me from my mother's pain?" Deanna thought. She could not decide.

"Please, mommy?" Hedril begged.

"No, Kestra," her father said firmly. "We're going to eat in just a few minutes."

Lwaxana continued to comfort the crying baby, "What's wrong, Little One? What's wrong?"

Her mother was now completely inside the memory and seemed  
unaware that Deanna was watching nearby.

The dog started to tug at his leash, growling playfully, which delighted the girl that was Deanna's sister.

"She's teething, Ian," Lwaxana said to her husband. "Where's her  
ring?"

"In your bag, I think."

"Mommy's going to make it all better," her mother tried to soothe as she ruffled through the bag with one hand. Then she addressed her husband again, "I can't find it. Are you sure it's in here?"

As her father tried to look for the teething ring too, her mother continued to try to comfort the crying baby. Suddenly everything became dark and ominous again. Her mother sat alone sobbing on the grass, "No, I don't want to see this again! I can't!"

The strong emotions of anguish and dread hit Deanna hard. It reminded her of the feelings she had when she had lost her son Ian. The very same pain she felt when she cried over Ian's limp body as Doctor Pulaski tried to save him. Suddenly it was all starting to fit together, but she still had to ask her mother what happened next. She had to push her mother to talk about what happened because she knew Lwaxana was never going to get over the feelings of loss unless she talked about it.

Her mother's face was full of sorrow as Deanna tried hard to get her mother to open up and talk about that dreadful day, "I don't remember," her mother cried. "I can't go through this again!"

"You have to. You can't hold it back, Mother. It's killing you."

Lwaxana stared at her daughter forlornly as she tried to push the horrid memory away, but finally the flood of emotion was too much to hold back as she looked at Deanna's pleading face which asked her to let go of the past so she could continue with life, "The dog got away... she ran after him... we didn't notice... until it was too late..."

The Arboretum brightened again and Deanna found herself near the edge of the pond. Her father and mother were sitting huddled  
together by the water's edge crying. Her father was drenched and  
exhausted as they stared at the water together, devastated by what happened.

The dog barked at the water's edge.

"The current was too strong," her father broke down with loss. "There was nothing I could do."

As her mother stared out at the water, she once again tried to fight the memory of what happened and again Deanna started hearing her son Ian's voice, _"I have to leave now."_

"_You are going to die! No! No, you can't," _Deanna recalled her words of panic when Ian left. Those same feelings rushed over her as she sensed her mother's feelings of despair.

Realizing that her mother was once again trying hard to avoid what had happened to Kestra by tapping in on her memories, Deanna gently pulled her back to the incident, "Mother."

"Kestra!" Lwaxana finally cried out in pain.

Deanna watched as her eyes became wet with emotion. She slowly stepped toward her mother to comfort her, as everything turned dark again.

"Why did I look away?" Lwaxana sobbed. "Why wasn't I paying attention?"

"You have to forgive yourself, Mother," Deanna tried to soothe. "You have to let go..."

"How can I? I let her die!" Her mother insisted. "It was my fault! I should have watched her more closely."

Deanna regarded her mother for a moment as she wondered how best to help her. "It was a terrible tragedy," Deanna finally said. "The worst thing that can happen to any parent. I know you feel responsible, but it was an accident." Deanna searched for words that she hoped would help her mother. "And what you're doing isn't fair to Kestra."

Lwaxana looked at Deanna with uncertainty, which slowly turned to anger. How could her daughter possibly know what was fair or not when she never lost a child due to her own neglect? Her daughter cared for her son perfectly and he still died, but not because she ignored him in favour of another child.

Deanna sensed a jealous rage about to emerge from her mother and decided to use another tactic, "I saw a little girl who was sweet  
and happy. She must have brought a great deal of joy into your  
lives."

Her mother started to soften as pleasant memories returned to her, "She woke up every morning with a smile."

"Then isn't it better to remember her like that?" Deanna asked. "I've just found out I had a sister I never knew. I'd like to remember what was good and joyous about her... to celebrate her  
life, not mourn it."

The pain of loss began to resurface as her mother spoke with tears running down her face, "But when she died... the pain was so awful."

"I know," she replied still remembering her own pain when she thought Ian was going to die. "So you shut it away inside you all these years, but hiding it didn't make it go away. It's still there, hurting you... and it will stay there unless you can forgive yourself and move on."

"How?" Her mother wept loudly. "How can I do that, especially when I let her die?"

"Kestra was here, a few moments ago," Deanna stated. "Talk to her."

"No," Lwaxana shook her head. "I… I can't."

"Do it," Deanna insisted. "Tell her how you feel." Deanna paused for a moment before she continued to encourage her mother to deal with the painful feelings. "I'm here with you. I'll help you."

Lwaxana stared at Deanna until a voice said, "Mommy."

They turned to see a little girl of about eight years standing near them. It was Kestra with dark hair and Betazoid eyes. She looked at her mother with no hint of accusation in her eyes, just the love of a child for her mother.

Lwaxana seemed frightened to speak to her lost daughter, but finally does, "Oh, Kestra... my precious one... I'm so sorry."

Kestra ran to her mother with open arms and hugged her tightly as Lwaxana returned the embrace until Kestra pulled away and said, "I have to leave now."

"_I have to leave now." _The words echoed in Deanna's mind.

Those words were the same ones Deanna's son said on the fateful night he left her. It was all she could do not to cry as she heard the words again.

"I know," Lwaxana wept softly as she let her daughter go and watched her disappear into a memory. When Kestra was gone, Lwaxana reached for Deanna's hand.

Willingly she took her mother's hand and they soon awoke in Sickbay still holding hands across the open space between the two beds. They looked at each other and smiled, knowing that they shared a common bond, and that the healing had begun- for both of them.

----------------------------

After their released from Sickbay the two of them went to Deanna's quarters and sat on the couch to talk quietly.

"After you father died I had to bury my pain, so I devoted my life to you and acted like nothing was wrong," Lwaxana informed her daughter. "The grief I had was too much to bare and you were all I had left. Then you grew up and I wanted more for my life. Through you and grandchildren I felt my legacy would live on and it gave me a sense of immortality, as long as nothing happened to you."

Deanna held her mother's hand in comfort. "Is that why my son was in your mind too?"

Tears started to roll down Lwaxana's face, "What little you told me of him reminded me so much of your father and Kestra."

"Is that why you started to avoid discussing him too?"

"It was just too much for me to bear," Lwaxana told her. Then she went on to talk about her other daughter, "Kestra always wanted to help take care of you. She was never the slightest bit jealous of all the attention you got."

"She sounds very sweet," Deanna smiled.

Then Lwaxana tried to explain why Kestra was never mentioned, "I made your father promise never to speak of her. It was a terrible thing to ask, but he went along with it."

"If it hadn't been for your work with the Cairn, the strain of the  
telepathic contact, you might have been able to repress the memory forever."

"And if it hadn't been for you," Lwaxana stated with gratefulness, "I might have died trying to keep that dreadful secret."

Mother and daughter shared a warm moment, and then Deanna stood to get something from her desk. "I contacted Mister Homn and told him you were alright. He asked me to give you something."

Deanna handed her mother a PADD with a picture of her father and Kestra. She appeared about eight years old as she smiled at the camera while holding Deanna as a baby.

Lwaxana smiled as her eyes filled with tears. "I remember the day I took this."

"Mister Homn said he saved it... in case someday you wanted to  
remember her."

Deanna watched as Lwaxana clutched the unexpected treasure to her breast.

"I wish you could have known her, Deanna," she said. "I wish you two could have grown up together."

"Tell me about her," Deanna requested. "I want to know everything."

Lwaxana smiled, "Only if you finish telling me about Ian. I never did let you finish. Too many memories kept flooding back even then and I'm so sorry I wasn't more supportive of you."

"It's alright, Mother," Deanna laid a comforting hand on her mother.

Lwaxana suddenly hugged her daughter, "I'm sorry, Deanna."

"For what?"

"For trying to be overprotective of you and then not being there when you needed me most," Lwaxana cried. "It's just the name you gave my grandson reminded me so much of your father and what you did tell me about him reminded me of Kestra. Oh, don't get me wrong, I appreciated you naming him after your father, but the memories started to return and I just could not face them. Then I met Hedril and I just could not stop the memories no matter how hard I tried."

"So what was it about Hedril that reminded you about Kestra?"

"Oh she was so smart and caught on to new things quickly, just as Kestra did," Lwaxana told her. "As you started to describe Ian, I got the feeling Ian was just as quick."

Deanna smiled, "He was a very tactile child. He had to touch everything."

"And just like Kestra, he liked dogs?"

"Yes," she looked at her mother quizzically.

"Oh it wasn't hard to find out," Lwaxana to her. "Your mind has always been an open book to me, Dear."

"Is that why memories of him kept coming into what I was seeing in your mind."

"I…" Lwaxana thought for a moment. "I guess I could have been leaving you clues or it was just easier that way. I don't know. I didn't pick up on everything about him, just those that you thought about the most."

"Ian grew very quickly too."

"Yes, I remember you saying that," Lwaxana stated. "Kestra matured quickly emotionally, but that is nothing like the way you described Ian. What did he look like?"

"I have a picture of him somewhere," Deanna told her as she rose to retrieve them. "I didn't get the chance to get many pictures of him, but I did get two. One when he was born and another before he died."

"You don't keep them out so people can see them?"

Deanna had not thought about it, but she realized as she opened the drawer she kept her son's pictures in that she was almost doing the same thing her mother was; avoiding a daily reminder of the short time she was a mother. She blinked as she looked at her mother trying to hold back the tears, "I guess… I… I didn't want a reminder of him and the little time we had together every day."

She pulled the pictures out and brought them over to her mother.

"Oh he was a handsome baby!" Lwaxana exclaimed as she looked at his baby picture. "And you don't even look like you broke a sweat or were even tired."

Deanna smiled, "Will took that picture shortly after Ian was born, and no, I wasn't. It was a very easy birth. I really didn't have any pain."

"Oh I still remember when you and Kestra were born," Lwaxana informed her, "And it was the most painful experience in my life."

"I know," Deanna laughed. "I remember you describing how painful my birth was."

"You were both painfully difficult births," Lwaxana insisted as she cringed at the memory of their births. "Oh well, afterwards was wonderful." She fell silent for a moment, "Until Kestra died that is. Oh I was so unfair to both of you. I should have allowed your father to talk about her and let you get to know her."

"Well you are now and that is what counts."

"His hair and eyes look just like yours and Kestra's," Lwaxana stated as she looked at the other picture.

"I seem to remember you had similar hair when I was younger," Deanna stated with a chuckle, "Except you always covered it with wigs and I never could figure out why. It was so beautiful."

"Oh it's ordinary!" her mother insisted. "Ordinary was one thing I did not want to be and still don't."

"Mother, ordinary was one thing you have never been and I don't think you'll ever be," Deanna smiled.

"I have lived a full life," Lwaxana replied with a sigh, "But I've enjoyed every minute of it!"

Deanna looked at her with uncertainty.

"OK, so I didn't enjoy every minute of it, but it kept me from thinking about the pain to just smile and take pleasure in everything that I could."

"I can understand how much it must have hurt when Kestra died."

"You couldn't possibly understand," Lwaxana growled as she rose quickly and walked toward the window. "Your son isn't exactly dead and you didn't lose him like I lost Kestra!"

"No, but when I believed he was dying and was dead," Deanna said softly, "It was very painful. I loved him dearly. He was apart of me. A part of me that I don't know if I will ever have again and the emptiness afterwards was very great."

"Yes, but you know he is out there, still alive," Lwaxana began to cry again. "He's not really dead."

"No, but when he was saying goodbye to me, I told him that I will miss him," Deanna paused as tears ran down her face. "And I do. For a long time afterwards it was as though he did die, everything he said and did haunted me, and I cried. Sometimes I still do, but that doesn't mean I don't feel any pain from his having to leave. He left to save me, us, and this ship."

Lwaxana sensed her daughter's pain and realized it was just as great as hers was. She turned to face her daughter, "Oh Deanna, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have discounted your feelings."

"Ian wanted one of the puppies in that picture," Deanna told her mother. "I told him no, but now I wish I had let him have one."

"And I often wished I never let Kestra have a dog," Lwaxana said sadly as she looked out the window again. "She was a very protective child. Protective of you and of her dog…"

"I don't remember Ian ever being protective, until he left, but I'm sure if he was here long enough, he would have been of me," Deanna told her mother. "No, he was more interested in learning about everything as fast as he could. Once he purposely stuck his finger in hot soup just to experience what it was like."

Lwaxana gasped as she turned back to face Deanna, "He stuck his finger in hot soup just to experience it?"

"Yes, he had to experience everything," she informed her mother. "He was fascinated with everything that stimulated his senses especially touch, but he was never rude about it nor was he a selfish child. If he couldn't touch it, taste it, or smell it, he would ask a lot of questions."

"Kestra was full of questions too," her mother stated with a longing smile, "And a happy, unselfish, and well-mannered child too. That was one thing I always taught you two, it would be terrible..."

"For a daughter of the Fifth House to have bad manners," Deanna chimed in with her mother as she smiled.

Lwaxana sighed sadly as she walked back over to the couch to sit beside her daughter again, "I wish you could have known your sister."

"And I wish you could have met Ian."

Their voices blended as they said both children were wonderful in unison.

"It's a shame they were with us for such a short time," Lwaxana sighed again as she looked at the pictures in front of them. "Oh well, there is still hope that you will one day give me another grandchild."

"Mother!"

"Oh don't tell me you and Will aren't back together as a couple," her mother insisted. "You never were apart to begin with and I'm sure one day you two will marry and give me more beautiful grandchildren."

"Let's not rush it, Mother."

"You may have plenty of time, Little One, but I won't live forever you know." The old Lwaxana was back again and Deanna was not sure if she welcomed it or not. "I'd like to see some grandbabies before I die."

Deanna finally grinned as she decided she was glad to see her mother back just the way she always was, "I'm sure you will, Mother. I'm sure you will."


End file.
